


in the past no one can hear you scream

by prettysicknasty



Category: Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bad Decisions, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, bart needs to see a therapist, but he doesnt know that he does, he gets blue to help but, jaime knows, takes place mid season 2, uncomfortable situations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2019-10-04 13:36:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysicknasty/pseuds/prettysicknasty
Summary: Bart tries to force himself to get over his trauma. They didn't really have lessons on mental health in the apocalyptic future.





	1. How it Began

Bart Allen did not have any mental health issues.

He repeated this to himself multiple times throughout his new life in the not-moded past. After all, mental health wasn't even talked about in the future, it was a non-issue. Sure, some people dealt with their situation in horrible ways, and some didn't deal with anything at all. Bart had seen people take their own lives when they thought none of the other slaves were looking. He'd seen people provoke their masters with an almost desperation in their words, smiling when they were finally punished for it, sometimes killed for it. 

But that wasn't indicative of anything. Bart didn't blame any of them for deciding to do what they had to in that hell of a future. It was a normal decision everyone had to make in the future, whether they're willing to live in the horror of slavery and torture, or keep going in hopes of it changing to something better. Bart was one of the ones that was hopeful, or at least had reason to believe things could change for the better.

It was only when he came to the past that he found out that what people did to hurt themselves were  _bad_ coping skills and there are other options to deal with how your environment affected you. For example, the mandatory meetings-sorry, _sessions_ with Black Canary after particularly difficult missions or exercises. Bart's first session had consisted of mostly him asking questions about why they had to have sessions, what the sessions did, did they work, what even made things traumatic? It became more of a class for him to learn than a therapy session. 

After he'd used up all the questions that Canary was patient enough to answer, he'd still had more, and decided to hunt for his own information. The internet was something the public didn't have access to in the future, so the amount of information just _there_ and free to everyone, it was amazing. Amazing, and incredibly overwhelming. How do people not worry all the time about which invisible illness they have? They didn't have words for mental disorders in the future, you were either use _ful_ to the Reach of use _less_ to the Reach. Those that did maybe have something wrong with their brains learned pretty quickly to hide it as much as they could. As awful as it was to be used by the Reach, it was so much worse to be unneeded by them. 

The internet didn't end up being enough for him though. He'd narrowed down his search to a disorder that he could focus on, which is also the most likely thing people in the future were affected by. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But the research he did on PTSD didn't explain much about about what actually constituted as a traumatic event. The websites said it could come from violence, witnessing or experiencing it, but that didn't make sense. Everyone on the team, everyone in the Justice League experienced violence on a daily basis, and they didn't have PTSD from it. At least, thats what Bart thought before he actually decided to ask someone about it.

Dick had raised his eyebrows, looking like he'd much rather Bart had gone to someone else for his inquiry, and put his hand on Bart's shoulder as if he were a child being told his goldfish had died and wasn't coming back.

"Kid," He'd began, grasping for somewhere to start, "Every superhero is traumatized, and some of us definitely have PTSD, but a lot of us don't. Trauma can affect people differently. And the few of us that do have a disorder of some kind, well, we deal with it."

Now that just made Bart infinitely more worried for his teammates. The way people in the future 'dealt with it' was either by ending their own life or hurting themselves in some way. Whether it be getting doped up on whatever drugs they could find, physically hurting themselves, or a number of other things. Those that ignored the problems got to continue on with their miserable lives, but it seems that no one in the past ignores it like they did in the future, especially if they have names for _every_ different disorder, and talk about it with other people after _every_ bad mission.  

He'd kept an extra serious eye on the team after that, any sign of sadness made him worried and jumpy, and he rushed over to them, sometimes in the middle of battle, to make sure they didn't do anything. Eventually, it made him more of a hinderance on missions than of any help to his teammates, which prompted Dick to talk to him again. He'd pulled Bart aside after one such mission where Bart had stopped doing what he was supposed to in order to check on Cassie, who was at the time, in the midst of a protecting him from a giant venom-ified person.

"Bart you can't keep nursing everyone in the middle of battle. Your teammates can take care of themselves."

"Of course they can they're superheroes, but what if they suddenly kill themselves or try to get hurt?" Dick blinked slowly when Bart admitted his fears, processing his quickly muttered words. How was Nightwing _not_ always worried? His _whole batfamily_ is just a giant ball of trauma and angst.

"The- Bart that- Your teammates would not do that, in battle or otherwise. Why would you think they would?" 

"You said everyones traumatized, that means they've gotta be doing something bad to stay sane, right? That's what people did in the future." He asked, tilting his head in confusion. What else could he do?

Dick had furrowed his brows, not that Bart could see it under the mask, and went on to explain to him that there are many different ways to deal with trauma, like medications and treatment. That's the whole reason they had sessions with Black Canary, and some people on the team had therapy outside the hall too. Some of his human teammates have tried medication, but it put them at too much of a risk if they had to miss doses because of a mission. 

This helped him understand somewhat more, though it was all still new. So, in the past, they had time to deal with mental health problems, they could take care of it like they would a wound, and they didn't get punished for it. They didn't have to worry about surviving day to day, and so they could focus on _living_ instead of just being alive.

That led him to wonder about himself. According to the internet, he was traumatized because of all the violence he'd grown up in, but he didn't feel traumatized. He felt fine, great even! The past was so much better than the future, even if it was confusing and didn't make sense with what he knew. Of course he still thought about the time he came from, it was his life, despite how horrible it was. 

Sometimes he'd wonder about what the future was like now. If his choices had changed anything, if Neutron was happy. He'd think about the few people he'd met and grown close to while in captivity, if any of them knew that the past had so many ways of dealing with hardships. He'd wonder which of them had decided they'd had enough and ended it, even though Bart's put everything he had into changing it. 

Bart decided he was perfectly fine mental health-wise.

Like Dick had said, people were affected differently, so maybe Bart was just unaffected by it all. Sure, he may have experienced trauma, but it didn't stick with him. Sure he was sometimes afraid to go asleep because what if this was all a dream? And sure, sometimes he forgot that he didn't have to scavenge for food or eat in portions. That didn't mean anything though, he was just adjusting to a different timeline. It would've been the same if the future was as fine and dandy as he'd first pretended it was. Bart has only been in the past for a little bit, but he's coping so well. He's already one of the least traumatized on the team, so really, his mental health was superb.

At least, this is what he thought before the day his theory was proven to be slightly incorrect.

It was supposed to be an easy mission, covert, but every mission is supposed to be easy and covert so Bart wasn't surprised when they had to change their whole plan. Really, Batman should have no expectations for missions like this. 

They were just supposed to gain more intel on the Reach's kidnapping methods. How they decided who to capture, so that the League could predict it and stop it from happening. A simple hack into their systems, which is why Batgirl and Blue Beetle were the team assigned to go. Of course, anywhere Jaime goes, Bart will follow, so he ended up tagging along as their lookout.

It started out perfect, they had gotten into the Reach ship unnoticed, and snuck their way to a computer thing that Bart knew nothing about, but was apparently where they needed to do their hacking from. So he stood guard at the door as Batgirl wiped the system, and Beetle communicated with the ship to not raise any alarms. Bart was mostly useless where he was, and Blue could have the ship tell him if anyone came close to them anyway, so he'd told Barbara that he was going to explore.

She hadn't even looked at him when she said no.

"But come oooonn, I'm useless just standing here." And useless was _bad_. 

"We've been on these ships before, you know what they look like." 

"He is kinda like a bull in a pen here, as long as he doesn't get caught what's the harm in gaining some intel?" Jaime piped up. Bart grinned at him in thanks, and Batgirl, glancing between them, seemed to realize she was outnumbered.

"Fine. But don't get noticed, and keep your comms open." He was out before she even finished her sentence. 

He could be stealthy when he wanted to, and he was fast so he could run back at the first hint of static to their comms. It wasn't that big of a deal to not follow every rule of the mission. Without putting much thought into it, he glanced into a few rooms he came across, mostly checking out the Reach scientists and trying to stop himself from flinching at their alien clicking to eachother.

While peeking through one of the rooms, he saw kidnapped children in pods. He froze.

In the pods, the kids were being electrocuted, but there was one person on a slab in the middle of the room, with a Reach scientist leaning over them. They were about to be dissected, while alive and strapped down, most likely against their will. It took Bart .2 seconds to see the panic in the kids eyes at the scalpel coming closer  and another .2 seconds before he ran over and knocked the scientist out of the way and out cold. It took less time to smash the machine next to the kid, releasing the restraints and freeing the kid from whatever the scientist had planned. Then he smashed every pod there to free the kids in each, which of course, set off the alarms. 

"Impulse, report. What did you do?" Batgirl demanded through the comms. She'd sounded pissed, but Bart couldn't respond. He couldn't run back to them, or help the kids, because suddenly he wasn't there anymore. 

_The ship had changed to a darker color, ash crunching under his feet as the scientist resumed the dissection, except it was him on the table this time. Super speed came with super healing, but not when he had an inhibitor collar on. They were testing how much faster his healing was, both collared and not collared. The only reason he didn't run when the inhibitor collar was off was because there was nowhere to escape to, not on this planet. It hurt, he hadn't even gotten used to his powers yet he was still young, and it hurt so much. This wasn't the blunt hits that left bruises this was a stinging pain that burned and hurt so much and suddenly the big bad Blue Beetle was there, had he been screaming? They didn't like when the meat made noise, please don't punish him he'd already gotten punished earlier that week for stealing a part for the time machine please no... don't...._

" _Escuchar hermano_! Snap out of it, we need to go!" Oh, that was Jaime. Jaime's a good beetle. _Where's the ash?_ Did Jaime clean it up? How did he escape the table? _Where's his inhibitor collar?_ "Impulse!"

Oh. Impulse, that's his superhero name. In the past. The past, time machine, he's not in the future anymore. Bart snapped out of it.

"Blue! What happened?" He shook his head, coming back from his flashback enough to realize that the alarms were still blaring, and the kidnapped kids weren't there anymore. He could hear fighting outside the room. "Did you rescue the kids?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out _ese_ , Batgirl's collected the civilians and called for backup to transport them out but you've just been... I don't know what made you go all, whatever you were, but if Simon or some other mind villain is here you gotta tell us." Of course, it makes sense that's what Jaime's worried about. What other explanation could there be for why he went catatonic?

Bart doesn't know how to answer the unsaid question of 'why the hell were you just standing there mumbling about nothing and on the edge of a panic attack?' so he grabs Blue and moves out to the hall.

"Nope! No mind villains here, let's go help Barb- Batgirl." Secret identities, right. He's not so shaken that he's forgotten that. He tries to pull his expression into something of normal as he and Blue run to where Batgirl is herding the civilians into the bioship with the rest of the reinforcements.

From there it was a blur of fighting off Reach soldiers and boarding the bioship to escape, sitting down in the back and ignoring Jaime's concerned looks. Luckily he couldn't come up to Bart, busy trying to calm down all the rescued kids. Bart wouldn't have known how to respond if Jaime asked what's wrong. He could still see himself being cut open, clear as day. His hand drifted to his chest as if he could stop the bleeding that wasn't happening.

When they finally reached the cave and finished the debriefing to Kaldur, him being quieter than usual, and when he finally was told he could go home, that the others would handle the kidnapped kids and information from the Reach ship, Bart ran without preamble. 

He ran, he ran, he ran, until he hit the coast. It was when he was staring into the black ocean, on the edge of hyperventilating that he let himself show what he was feeling. He screamed, and then he passed out in the sand.

It's possible that Bart Allen may have some mental health issues.


	2. Well Shit

Okay so clearly Bart had been a little too… preemptive when deciding he was completely unburdened of any trauma he’d experienced in the future.

He didn’t want to say he had PTSD or anything, but maybe it was wishful thinking to just assume that he was immune to feeling anything too strongly about his bleak life growing up.

When he passed out on the beach in the midst of his panic attack, he hadn’t thought to call anyone for help. Obviously, he was a little preoccupied with the whole panicking thing.

Luckily, if there’s anyone in this world that knows Bart’s a complete mess, its Jaime. The Blue Beetle had followed Bart after he left, Khaji Da informing him of where to go, and found the red-headed speedster lying in the sand, the tide approaching slowly.

Blue of course freaked out, flew him back to base and shoved him to the medical staff, who then just laid Bart down and gave him water and sugared snacks. The doctors knew there wasn't really anything wrong with him physically, besides the fact he passed out. With a nod to them, the doctors left, not concerned in the least about the whole thing. Honestly, Jaime was the one that needed more calming down. But that leads them to where they are now, nurses gone and Bart feeling loads better, while Jaime is still pacing.

“Calm down Blue, we don’t want you passing out on a beach anytime soon.”

“Calm down?! _Herman_ o, _why_ did you pass out? I knew something happened on the mission! There really was a psychic villain there, wasn’t there? He mind controlled you to not say anything! _Dios mio_ , and then you realized you’d infiltrate and betray the team, so you ran away to save us all! But the mind guy figured out, and made you pass out, is he still in your head? Are you still-?” Bart interrupted him before Jaime could give himself an ulcer.

“Jaime. It’s a lot simpler than that, relax. I wasn’t put on mode, I just ran because, well-” Bart didn’t realize how embarrassing this would be. The websites made it seem so easy to identify the problem and find the solution, without any actually explanations of how to even start a conversation about it. He let out a tired sigh.

“It’s gonna be weird to explain... And if you feel guilty again like when you first found out about the moded future, I’m gonna smack you. Now sit down her-man-oh, I don’t want to be looking up at you.” Jaime cringed at his pronunciation but sat down next to Bart on the couch in the medical room. Even sitting down, the redhead had to tilt his head up slightly to look at Jaime.

Bart squirmed in his seat, unsure of how to start, and unknowingly started bouncing his leg up and down. It wasn’t that big of a deal, right? Like Nightwing had said, everyone’s got some form of it on the team. Blue probably does to. It shouldn’t be this uncomfortable to talk about.

“I, uh- well, you see…”

Jaime’s tense expression softened ever so slightly. He put his hand on Bart’s leg, stopping the rapid bouncing and giving him as gentle a smile as he could. It wasn’t much, but it was the push he needed. The reassurance that no matter what Bart said, he’d still be there for him.

“Okay so, you know about my past? Your future, except it’s not your future anymore because I came back and saved it all, hooray? It wasn’t very fun to live in.” Bart took a deep breath. “I thought I was fine, totally a-okay with everything that happened… Turns out, I was wrong.” He admits with a discontent shrug.

Jaime nodded, furrowing his eyebrows. Despite what Bart had said before, there was still clear guilt in his eyes, though his lips were pursed shut.

“So, what happened on the mission, was that like, a panic attack or something?”

“No. I think it was a flashback? The beach was a panic attack. At least, I think, I’m kinda new to this.” Bart chuckled nervously.

Leaning back in the couch cushions, Jaime tried and failed to keep the pain and regret off of his face.

“Was it-”

“It wasn’t you, Blue. It was just, it was so much like how it was in the future. I thought I was back there. It was like my time travel didn’t happen, and I was still there, I remember it happening. I remember the scientist not having a speedster to stop her and, the poking and the, the-”

He didn’t realize when his hands began to grip his legs harder, nails digging in through his suit to mirror the pain of the scalpel, until Jaime pulled him in for a hug. He also hadn’t realized he’d been shaking so bad that he vibrated against where Jaime held him, shushing him and rubbing his hand down Bart’s back.

“You don’t have to tell me anything more, _hermano._ ”

“But, but the websites said talking made it better. Talking cures it.”

Jaime sighed deeply, pulling back from him to look into his eyes. The warmth from the hug was immediately missed, but they’d probably already hugged for the proper amount of platonic time anyway, Bart thought.

“Yeah, you’re right about that, talking is a first step. But there is no ‘cure-all’ for it, and going through everything at once is just gonna make it worse. At least, that’s what I learned. You should set up sessions with Black Canary, she’s not exactly a doctor, but, I don’t know, when I talk with her it helps?” He sounded unsure of himself, and Bart realized that Jaime’s not exactly a doctor either. Anything he says to him will probably hurt him too, remind him of what could’ve happened had they not crashed the mode.

Not only that, but he shouldn’t really say anything about the future to anyone. Like Wally had said when they first met, if Bart says too much he could crash the whole timestream. He could physically feel his heart sink as he realized he couldn’t talk to anyone about his past, not even Canary. Step one of the process isn’t an option. So what the hell is he supposed to do?

“Uhhh, okay so if the first step is talking, what’s the next step?” He blinked at Jaime. The first step could just be skipped. It’s probably not recommended to skip it but whatever, it’ll be fine. The steps are just guidelines anyway, or at least that’s what Bart tells himself, ignoring the logical part of his brain that's screaming at the moment.

Jaime furrowed his eyebrows for a moment, looking off into space as he thought about what the next step would be. There aren’t really a series of steps that should be taken in a specific order, he just knows that talking is how any conversation about this stuff starts. 

“Maybe, finding out what triggers your flashbacks? Or panic attacks, any of that stuff. Um, identifying the words or situations that aren’t good for you, I think.”

Bart bites his lip. Well, fuck. He can’t do that either. Most situations that would trigger him are gonna happen on missions, and he can't let this silly brain thing get in the way of his superheroing. Worriedly, he looks back at Jaime, who is also looking worried. The room is just filled with furrowed brows and wide eyes. 

“Step…. Three?” Bart tries, giving a grimace.

With just one look between them and they realized this was not going to work. They're just kids after all. Jaime sighed.

“Look, I’m not the best person to talk to about this stuff. Black Canary, or hey even M’gann since she could probably go into your head and move stuff around. Just find someone who knows how to help you. And remember you can always come to me if you want to just, distract yourself, or if you need a hug,” Jaime blushed. “Or ya know, anything you need that isn’t actual therapy haha.”

He laughed awkwardly at the end, rubbing the back of his head and breaking eye contact between the two. God, Bart really doesn’t want this to make Jaime uncomfortable around him. This guy who was supposed to be his arch nemesis ended up being his best friend on the team, maybe in the whole world, at least during this timeline. He can’t lose this. 

Recovery isn’t… _super_ important, right? He could just keep doing what he’s been doing and ignore it, easy. This past incident was the only one he’s had since he got back anyway, it was probably just a fluke. Bart thought, choosing to ignore all the incidents that led him to research PTSD in the first place. This one’s the only one that’s gotten in the way of the mission. Well it's the only one that has endangered the mission. Look, he doesn't need to get into specifics, this past attack was _just a fluke_.

Okay, he’d let this whole thing get way too out of hand. It’s time to suck it up and ignore everything, like the more successful people from his timeline did. Forget it. Avoid everything from his past and everything that reminds him of his past. Time for a total deletion of trauma, because no trauma means no post traumatic stress disorder.

He looked up to Jaime, who continued to awkwardly look around the room and twiddle his fingers. He couldn’t know. Even though he’s trying to help his best friend… Bart can’t let him be involved. Avoiding his past means ignoring emotional feelings towards Blue Beetle. All emotional feelings. A sick feeling grows in his stomach and a pressure behind his eyes tells him that he’s about to cry, for some reason. He holds it back.

“Thanks Blue, I’ll try talking with Dinah. But uh, can I be alone for now? Just to get some rest.” The pressure built. Bart subtly dug his fingers into his thighs again, avoiding Jaime’s line of sight. His friend must have been glad for the excuse to leave the tense atmosphere, as he let out a big breath and gave Bart one last hug and a “Call me if you need me” before he left, closing the door behind him.

When Bart was finally alone in the room, and alone with his thoughts, he brought his arm up to his mouth and bit down as hard as he could. His eyes closed so tight he saw stars, as he desperately tried to hold back a sob. The pressure was still there, but Bart refused to cry. He choked back the tears as much as he possibly could, and bit down harder. Hard enough to bruise.

His arm hurt, his leg was starting to bleed slightly from his nails digging into his flesh, but at least the pain was something to focus on, other than anything else. Focus on the pain.

But it wasn’t working. He was curled up and laying on his side on the couch, although he doesn’t remember switching positions, and moves his hands to his head. Tucking his face into his knees, he pulled hard at his hair, clawing at his scalp as rough as he could and doing as much as possible to make his mind stop. Stop what? There's nothing, but it's _so much_.

The sad thing is, Bart doesn’t even know what’s making him cry. His mind is silent. Blocked off emotionally, all he knows is that he has to feel pain and he has to not cry. Why was he so sad? Was he sad? No, Bart felt different, more angry. Frustrated. Yes, he was frustrated, annoyed, pissed off. Why the fuck is he crying?

A pain in his jaw made him aware that he had been grinding his teeth, and he opened his jaw to try and loosen it out. He needed to stop. Everything needed to stop. With great effort, he forced himself to go limp. To let his jaw relax, let his hands fall, and his sore eyes crack open ever so slightly.

Bart felt, for not the first time in his life, completely numb. He doesn’t understand. He was fine earlier. What happened? It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters right now. He’s just so tired.

Exhausted, drained, he doesn’t even have to force himself to stay limp now. Bart’s eyes wandered over to the door across the room. He wonders if anyone would care enough to check in on him before they need him for something. Ridiculous, they’re his friends, of course they’d check in. His family would come in to take him home too. Or are they just teammates. And his family’s home isn’t really his home, is it. He’s just a guest.

Would they care if he hurt himself, the way people in his past did? Bart only cares about it because the people that did it would just make their lives harder, and less useful to the Reach. The people on the team, the way people are now, would they care if he did anything? Would they even notice, with everything they already have to focus on? The pain, as much as it was probably a bad thing, had brought him out of a vulnerable state.

Maybe that's the solution, at least for now. If anything happens again, he'll just get hurt, he'll force himself to become emotionless. If he just avoids his problems they won't become an issue. They'll stop becoming a hinderance on missions, they'll just be for Bart to endure and deal with. He can deal with this alone. He has to.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Bart let his eyes slowly close, a few tears finally managing to leak out quietly. He can't really bring himself to care. He doesn’t feel anything as he drifts off into an unfulfilling sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been so long ive been in a creativity slump T^T i really do want to continue with this fic though, and hopefully i'll be more inspired as we go on. also sorry this was hella sad at the end i was feeling some type of way when i wrote that bit.


End file.
